hmm..I dunno what to say. I mean, i feel like i been able to get back to myself. I havent felt this way for a very long time. You know what I find quite funny, it seems everytime I am able to help somebody out with thier problem, somebody will come and ask for help just when I finish helping one person. I dunno why but I always get drag into other peoples problems, and it seems to hurt me more then the people that it involves. I hate to see my friends being put down, and it hurts more to see them being put down by somebody I'm close to. But I learnt to deal with the pain, and watch out for my friends. I listen to their worries and help then deal with there problem. I hate it when I let them down, that's why I never tell them my problems. It's like, they already have their own problems to deal with, my make it worse by asking them to help me with my problems, my worries. I rather put my thoughts aside and help my them out. It seems like I always rely strangers off the internet to help me out, rather than the peoples that actually know me. I am a very weird teenage girl. Haha. Teenage girls, man..whats with all the dramas. I can't be bothered with it. I can't take another stupid drama, because I hate being put between two friends. have i been through that? Yeah I have, too many times though.Seeing a split between my close friends breaks my heart. My hearts already been broken too many times, but they don't know it. I don't know how much more i can take, I think its been broken too much already. One thing for sure, everytime somebody breaks my heart, a little bit of me starts dissapearing again. I feel like soon people will break it so many times that I end up being against the world. Sometimes, I sit in my room for hours crying on my own. I have so much to say, but is anybody really listning..or atleast reading? I really just need somebody to listen to me sometimes..coz I had enough just listening to others..and all.

For the whole year in 2006, I was like a complete fake. I had pretended that I was always happy, but it was to fool others. I only faked a smile so I wouldn't worry my friends but by the end of the year, I would break down to the slightest things. I cound't hold in the tears anymore. I remeber hating myself alot, and blaming everything on me. For some reason, I felt that everytime i had made a guy a friend, and became close to him, i would end up losing his friendship somehow. I hated the feeling i always got from it, everytime it happened there would be this feeling inside, like somebody ripping out a part of me. it happened about 5 times last year. it first began with this guy name robert. he was like an older brother to me. we became quite close but after his girlfriend dumped him in a very harsh way, he began to change. It felt like i was still in the times we had our fun, and he was moving on into another life. I hated myself for not being able to try to save our friendship, espiacially in the times he needed me the most to comfort him. i watch him become somebody he will regret in the future, and its too late to change him now. i gave up on believeing that we could still be close. I still see him every now and then, but it's not like before. After that I got in contact with past guy friends who i had lost contact with for 3 years. i became close with them again, we had so much fun bugging each other until we just didn't have time for each other. and when i did try to talk to them, they were to busy to bother. the last one that i had met was this dude named jacob. i had known about him because a friend had liked him in primary school. i asked a friend for his email address and we had alot to talk about. we became quite close, i had even begun liking more then a friend. but because another friend had already liked him, i decide to give up on him and see him like a good friend then anything else. we were really close, people had begun to think we were like brothers and sisters, so we told people we were. But because there was a situation between two of my bestest friends and him, things all changed. I had promised myself that after that situation i would still be close friends with all 3 of them. but he wouldnt budge with me. i felt like i was being neglected and ignored. he pushed me to my limits. i had began thinking that everything was all my fault. like if i hadnt gotten his email, maybe my friends would still be close friends. and maybe if i hadnt been around people might not have been hurt at all. i blamed myself for everything. and i had began thinking that i was no good, that nobody would ever love me. But then i met this guy. his name is wilson. he told me that he liked me and asked me out. the date was a disater, and i realised something i had wasted a year of depression on. i dont need a guy to make me happy. im better off on my own and i love it that way. i've been around so many friends with love dramas that i really cant be fucked with. its all a waste of time, im still young and i still have my youth. i rather live life to the fullest and being happy, then being depressed over a guy who may or may not be the guy for me. so ive decided not to watse these precious time yet, but wait for the future. i'm a girl who loves to perve on guys, why waste my time trying to figure out my love life when i can do that in a few years, the time i have now will be used to be with friends and family.
My advice for girls with love problems in their teen years, screw it for now and have fun, live life to the fullest and have no doubts. its more fun that way. i realised this on my first date with a guy. strange but yeah. i'm really happy knowing tht i have no attachments, no doubts, nothing to worry about.